The Intangibles.

The first time I saw a therapist was when I was 17 and my Dad had just died. Jean specialised in grief counselling. I often wondered how - or why - one would specialise in this field. My work day drags sometimes but I think if I had to listen to one person after another talk about someone they loved who'd just died, it might seem especially long. Anyway, I have been on a journey of self discovery ever since, trying to figure out what exactly makes this mass of tissue, muscle and water labeled 'Kenneth Philip Murphy' tick, and how to get the best out of it. I kind of view myself like a savvy weathered old mechanic restoring a vintage car, one who really knows his stuff. His job is never done - there's always something that needs to be fine tuned and so he is always looking under the hood, always tinkering. Likewise, I know that my engine hitherto known as my brain functions much better when I'm popping the hood and taking a gander to see just what's going on. I spent about 6 months seeing Jean but truthfully I never felt any chemistry with her and I felt like there was only so many tears I could shed over my dead Daddy (I felt that then...little did I know I'd make a near cottage industry of it over the following decade or two). About 5 years and 650 litres of vodka later (I actually did the maths here. Amazing how much one man can drink in 5 years) I met Tina who helped guide me through a tricky period of self discovery, sobriety and from a failed relationship to a marriage. And last year I connected with Erin who's helping me steady the ship and find some balance in my life now that there are three people more important than me in it. Added to the many hours in a therapists chair are hundreds of AA meetings, lots of reflection, a bunch of self help books, hours of meditation, oh and throw in some hypnotherapy. So you would think with all that, I would understand how I work by now right? You'd mostly be spot on. But there are some things that are out of my reach. 

Exhibit A: This song. This. Fucking. Song. 

"Get out, get out!

Get get - get out

Get get - get out of here

Good intentions, never good enough...

Can we get out, get out?"

I heard this song for the first time last night. Indeed I only heard of this band for the first time last week. Since listening to it for the first time I think I've listened to it maybe 30 times. I love it. I am not exaggerating. I LOVE this song. Like I listened to it for the first time and I located a grin on my face. "Where did that come from?" I thought. And the fucker just won't go anywhere! All this self analysis, the years of soul searching, the thousands of euro on therapy. Why does this song make me feel so energised and enthused and smiley? What is it in this mish mash of synth and keyboards and guitars and vocals that makes me so bloody happy? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! AND THAT IS THE BEST FUCKING PART!

Let me backtrack for a minute because context is important. This story begins a month ago, with our hero picking up a new car for his beloved wife. I've been living under a cloud ever since. Without going into unnecessary detail, we bought MT a car and anything that could go wrong, did go wrong. In the three weeks we have owned it, it's failed the NCT twice and had the following replaced:

• Brake line
• Suspension shocks
• 4 tyres
• Gear mount
• Engine injector
• Coils
• Plugs

My life has been a blur of trips to Tallaght & back to try and get it fixed (4 separate times it went back!) incessant phone calls and text messages hounding the least professional, most immature, useless human beings I've ever dealt with in life to take responsibility for the mess they left me in and fix the fucking thing. I do not deal well with conflict and I have been fighting with this crowd for basically three weeks. I have caught these people out in lie after lie. My stomach has been a pit of anxiety, constantly worried and stressed. All of the above was under warranty and I got some of our money back so all's well that ends well. But the journey was torture. 

Now that the car is running perfectly (it's about 80% new car at this bloody stage) and NCT approved, I have had a burden lifted. The anxiety and stress is gone. And with it, I am suddenly experiencing life completely differently. I had been for a day or so but when I heard this song last night, things just peaked. And I have been floating on a wave of positivity ever since. 

So back to this song. This. Fucking. Song. I know, I know you're like "enough with the song already Ken" but bare with me. It's not the song but what it represents. I love it and I cannot tell you in words why. And that is a wonderful thing. Society is all checks and balances. Success is earning lots of money, buying a big car, living in a big house. Everywhere we are beaten over the head that achievements and material gain are happiness and it's just not fucking true! Look, I love when Liverpool win and I love when I win when I'm playing sport or Xbox. But it's just ego, meaningless massaging of something external you have deemed a part of you. True happiness - joy, exultation, euphoria, exhilaration - it cannot be labeled and nor can it be planned for. It just happens. And it's bloody brilliant.

The greatest pleasures in my life are things I know I can't hold, which is terrifying and liberating at once. The ephemeral, evanescent nature of real, true joy is perhaps what makes it so invigorating. It doesn't last because it isn't meant to. But it must be appreciated because brothers and sisters, life is a fucking challenge and you have to take the victories when you get them. In no particular order...

• I loved sitting down in the restaurant tonight and watching Carra dance after she finished her dinner. I love that she has no perception of why that's not the done thing in a restaurant and no concern about what anyone else would think, that she just wanted to dance, so she danced. I love her pure, unfiltered exuberance and the aura she brings with her.

• I love when it's warm out and I'm outside walking and listening to music, feeling present, not lost in my thoughts and suddenly it starts raining. And I feel those first few drops of water on my skin and the sensation of being alive hits me, nature just existing and imposing its will.

• I love the way my wife says things that anyone else could say and I would have no reaction but when she says them for some reason it's funny and we smile.

• I love driving my piece of shit 16 year old car. It just feels like it was built for me. 

• I love 'Thorns' by Charlie Simpson, it makes me feel mellow & summery. 

• I love feeling the sun on my skin.

• I love how I make myself laugh when there is no one else around.

• I loved watching Bayley walking around the farm this afternoon. I love how she is so uncomplicated, so in-complex - how she operates from a base of smiles and contentment and moves through her day from that platform and leaves some of it with everyone who knows her well. How she makes me feel peace and shares her contentment with me.

• I love dancing around my kitchen feeling free and excited and just so UP listening to music. 'Dance like no-one is watching', right?

I'm not sure what I hope anyone takes from this. Actually, I am. I hope two things. I hope it makes you think of what makes you happy. I hope you pause and appreciate those things, the intangible, impalpable stuff that just feels right and makes you smile. Just breathe them all in. Life is nothing if not breathtakingly beautiful. 

Oh, and I secretly hope you listen to this song and it makes you happy and you love it too. But hey, one out of two will do.