When all else fails.
Here's the thing about cliche's. They're mostly true. But that doesn't make it any easier to come up with an introduction for a blog you are well aware will likely come off as trite & cliche as they come. With that said, how about I keep writing, and you keep reading because I bet we could both do with a reminder to look on the bright side when everything seems to be going the wrong direction, right?
Sometimes life gives you a kick in the pants. I mean quite frequently really, right? Life is but a series of events, occurrences, situations, circumstances which you hope go your way but are just as likely to go against you. Still, some kicks in the pants are worse than others. (I'm going to move away from the kick in the pants metaphor now because hopefully at least half the people reading are women and I'm led to believe it doesn't resonate quite as well with you) I have just watched Liverpool toil their way to a 2-3 defeat to West Bromwich Albion, being eliminated from the FA Cup in the process. On the edge of my seat for the final 10 minutes, at full time I just fell on the ground. And I said "fuck this I'm staying here". I even documented it, in case you don't believe me. This is my ceiling, which I stared at for a solid 10 minutes:
WAIT WAIT WAIT! I know, you're thinking "I don't want to read about football or your ceiling you fucking weirdo" but we're going somewhere. There was a method to my madness. Usually I try and run from that disappointment, that despair. That misery of another year without a trophy. Writing that stings. Ordinarily I put something else on TV immediately and get something sweet to eat. Anything to distract myself. This evening it felt like I needed to absorb it, to own it. Because my friends, I am here to let you in on a little secret. Failure is fucking wonderful.
Of course there's the fact failure is the yin to success' yang, the idea that one can't exist without the other ergo failure is necessary. But on a more practical level, failure serves a purpose. Processed correctly it can be a character building, confidence boosting, momentum starting platform. This is something that I feel we all lose sight of. I am as guilty of it as anyone. But when I am lucid and clear enough to see things for what they are I am reminded that failure is the platform for what I perceive to be a very successful 33 years lived and the wonderful life I am privileged to experience today.
I can objectively look at my life and recognise that it has been misstep after misstep, error after error, mistake after mistake. I have never intended to do anything less than my best but I have more L's on my record than W's.
School was a chore for me (particularly with that haircut). I am a kinaesthetic learner, I absorb information by practice, by doing things. Listening and reading has never done much for me. So the Irish education system and my personaility & intellect were a bad match from day one. I scraped about 270 points in my leaving cert, most of them from subjects where common sense & intelligence served me well - English & business studies were the biggies - which sent me off into the world with a whimper rather than a bang. I went to college, briefly. My attendance record when I dropped out was an astonishing 28%. I say astonishing because I could not believe I had attended one day out of every four. One a week at an absolute push, I'd have guessed.
All that said, my utter mediocrity at education may still have made it my strong suit when compared to relationships. I'm reasonably confident I will never be the scholastic type, but there was a time in my life - a long time - when I knew I would never be happy in love. My first love, Jess, was a beautiful, sweet and funny girl and I have nothing negative to say about her. I would hazard a guess she may not speak of me in quite such positive tones because unfortunately so besotted was I that she became my entire life. I would imagine any grown woman would struggle with this intensity but a 15 year old girl never did stand much chance. But at 16 there was so little fleshed out about me and she just seemed like the answer to all of my dreams, and then answer to all of my problems once my Dad died. No pressure though. Then there was Susan. Navigating that shift in waters from friendship to relationship is always going to be tricky, but doing so when you're drinking every single day of the week is impossible. I had been stuck in a funk between age 17 & 22 and when we became a couple I was stranded between wanting to be a grown up in a relationship but not missing out on the party my life had been for half a decade. It was untenable, and I will always be grateful that we came out the other side friends once more. And Aoife. Poor Aoife. I started dating Aoife 6 months after giving up alcohol. in 2007. I was in a wonderful place in my life, the honeymoon period of sobriety is an incredible thing. But as that faded and I felt the palpable absence of my addiction I attached myself to her & drained her like an emotional leech, needing something to feed on.  |
| With Aoife & my friend Niamh at a Nash party |
Time is a magical thing and the perspective it allows you is vital. I may have struggled with learning all throughout my childhood but today I understand how to make my skills work for me. I have had 3 insurance exams in the past 12 months. I sat and tried to learn the source material. I read books, watched online seminars etc. Nothing would go in. And then it hit me. What's the one thing I can do here? Because doing is how I learn, not watching or reading. I did mock tests and I got questions wrong. And then I'd do them again. And again. And again. Until eventually I'd get more and more right answers. And I'd start to retain information. I passed the first two and I'm pretty confident the third went my way as well, I'll find out soon. Love may have always been a challenge, but by the time I met MT I knew enough. I knew that I couldn't make my partner my entire life without running her off. I knew how to communicate because I learned where I'd gone wrong in the past. I understood the balance between having my life but committing to ours. And I've finally found the balance in my career. All the negativity that weighed me down in Carole Nash & the experience working in Resource taught me the value of taking the rough with the smooth. I like working in Principal, it's a good company run by good people.. But it's a job and there will always be things you don't like in your job or stuff that you believe should be done differently. However, I try very hard to remind myself every day that these people pay me to do things exactly how they want them done. If I think things could be easier done X way or I could do Y more effectively left to my own devices, those thoughts are ok to have. But why argue with anyone about it? Why make my own life more difficult and be in conflict with people whom I like? I just try and do my job and go home. I'm not perfect but I do my best. And I believe it makes it easier for me & easier for them. Win win.
We've established then, that there are lessons to be learned from failure and that makes it a valuable commodity, but allowed to stand on its own, I still think it's a worthwhile experience. There is often a perception of successful people that life has been easy for them but often times the opposite is true - they have had more failures than anyone. They are risk takers and by definition they lose just as much as they win. And with each failure, the act of being knocked down and being forced themselves back up builds their resolve & develops their confidence because they learn what I have learned, what is the backbone to this entire thing - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I did say this was going to be trite and cliche, right? It ain't about how hard you get hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
This is not intended a parable to paint myself as a martyr or a victory lap based on the obstacles I have overcome - far from it - my point is that every life is eventful and each one of us, every single person, have obstacles in our paths, ones that can seem unsurmountable at any given time and I want this to be a call to arms to anyone who's struggling. Focusing on the negative will get you nothing and bring you nowhere. You've put on weight and you hate how you look..? Get hit. Keep moving forward. You did something awful and you're filled with regret..? Get hit. Keep moving forward. You hate your job, or worse still you lost your job..? Get hit. Keep moving forward. You got dumped, your heart's broken..? Get hit. Keep moving forward. Life is a tumultuous and terrifying rollercoaster ride, loaded with peaks and valleys, and while the peaks make it all worthwhile, there is something to be said for the valleys as well. If you can just keep sight of one fact - that failure is just another avenue to success - you can never truly fail.
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