Another one bites the dust.

All things are impermanent. 

I remember the first time I read that sentence. Boy did it give me pause for thought. It was 2011 and smack dab in the middle of a month off work. I was ill and had been for a long time. And would be for an a lot longer still. My entire worlds focus was on de-stressing but, paradoxically, the pressure to do so was just making things worse. In my rush to relax, I was consuming self help books. It was Eckhart Tolle's 'The Power Of Now' that resonated more than anything else. That line though. It got me. 

Hold on a second. ALL things are impermanent? I chewed this famed buddhist philosophy over in my head. I wanted to understand it but I think I also wanted to reject it. Pause and think about it. All things, ALL things are impermanent? My car...my job...my house...my body...me...my wife...my kids!? ALL things? I am someone who craves and thrives on stability. Even now, contemplating the idea that all of the above won't be hear one day is terrifying. But. You know what? It's liberating. No matter how tightly you hang on to something, you will never keep it. It's all going to slip through your fingers eventually. 

What this did for me was simple. I have always struggled with being present. I obsess about the past, I worry about the future. If all things truly are impermanent, then what's the point of all that obsessing and worrying? Yesterday is history, and tomorrow is a mystery. All that we have is right now, all that we have is this very moment. Ain't that kinda fucking cool though? Now is whatever you make it, because earlier can't affect it, and later can't change it. 

With all that said, as one year becomes another, I have a need in my heart to pause, recognise & respect what was and bring myself into January 1st 2018. 2017 was very good to me & I want to express my gratitude before it's gone.

In my 33 years, I've never had a better home life than today. This past 12 months has been fantastic. There are so many aspects I am grateful for. I am not sentimental when it comes to property, but I love our house itself. Since we extended & renovated, we have great space. The girls have their playroom to express themselves with relative freedom (a nice way of saying a room they can destroy with impunity), our kitchen is a warm, homely space for the four of us to get together and cook & eat, which is a wonderfully bonding activity for any family, and the living room...well I love my 55 inch ultra HD TV and the gorgeous ultra HD football it beams into my eyes. Football, & UFC, are two big passions of mine and I love the ups and downs both bring, although I sure wish there were more ups some of these days! 

Each of my girls bring warmth and joy to our home. Carra, all 3 feet and 4.5 years of her, is already the hub of everything. Her excitement is contagious. She has a thirst for learning and a zest for life. She always wants to understand more, and once she does she has to teach you. She asks you to take her on an adventure almost every day. Never does an hour pass where she isn't suggesting we play a game of some sort. Oh and did I mention she performed on stage in the Gaiety this year? I bet I did mention that actually. I think it's impossible to spend prolonged time in Carra's company and chatting with her without feeling uplifted. She is an invigorating, inspiring bundle of energy and happiness. I can hardly believe she's mine. 

Then there's my Bay. Bay mirrors her mom's energy. She does not steal a room like her sister, she is quiet and understated and as such I often feel the people around us have not developed the same bond with her as they may have had with Carra at the same age. Carra's force of will is incredible. Bayley is the polar opposite. Bay is happy to sit back and let life come to her. She is in no rush. It is the most settling and grounding quality. When Carra is at preschool on Tuesdays & Wednesdays & it's just Bay & I, we have fabulous Daddy-Daughter time. She is at a point where her independence is important to her and she likes to wander and do her own thing. But she loves to come back to you and be scooped up for a snuggle. Then she turns around, knees on my lap and looks me dead in my eyes. Her affection comes in many forms but she likes to just tap you on the side or top of the head with a big grin. She's also learning about kissing, but she hasn't quite got the hang of it so she just leans in with her mouth open and presses her face against you. It's very endearing. She has a great sense of humour too. Simple games of peak a boo get unending giggles. Indeed, so giggly is she that we wake up in the nighttime and hear her giggling on the baby monitor. She doesn't cry in her sleep. She laughs! Oh also...she sleeps all night. That's not a bad trait! I am a lucky Dad. She gets many of her best qualities from...

My beautiful 

My wonderful wife, Marie-Therese. Possibly the singular biggest challenge of becoming Mom & Dad is that you forget to be husband & wife sometimes because your kids always come first. As it should be really. I don't lose sight of how lucky I am though. We joke about it now, but when MT & I met I was so thrown by how domesticated she was, her enthusiasm for the simpler things in life. She would take such joy from her family & friends, from simple household chores like cooking. This baffled me as someone who has spent his life searching externally for things to make me happy. MT brought me into reality. Without her I wouldn't appreciate all the little things. I appreciate that she puts up with a husband who's more neurotic and emotional than most women much less most men. I appreciate that she works hardly and diligently to earn more than her share of the money that puts these walls around us and pays for my beautiful ultra HD football amongst other things. I appreciate, GOD, do I appreciate the faith she has in me. She is my legs when I can't stand on my own. The confidence she's had in me since the first day we met has changed me in so many ways I'm so thankful for. And she's responsible for bringing the lightness and sense of adventure into this family. Certainly I am with her now but I never saw the joy in the mundane until I met MT. Trips to the zoo, family holidays, Christmas with the kids...I live for these things. If it weren't for her, I would just take them for granted.

I spent much of this year looking inward. I have had a troubled relationship with my mother for as long as I can remember and in 2017, something somewhere inside me just broke. A lot of childhood trauma reared it's head and with that in mind along with multiple pressing issues that were impacting me day to day, I embarked on a journey to bring some healing & balance into my life. I couldn't have done that alone. My relationship with my sister Tracey would best be characterised as tumultuous. We fought like cats and dogs when we were kids.

Camille & I

After our folks split, it felt like the family unit was completely dissipated and we were 4 individuals floating through life apart. But over the last decade we have become closer. This year I opened up to her about a number of things we'd never discussed in depth, and vice versa. Her understanding & support was invaluable & I'm truly grateful to have her in my life. I wish in hindsight that perhaps I could have provided her the same support at times over the past 10 years, but unfortunately, I can't go back now. My friends Paul & Dave, the elder cricketmen, have provided fine agony aunts, willing to listen to me at any and all hours, about any and every thing, with an understanding ear, while also providing comic relief. My cousin Cam is my outball. You know in football when one team is battering the other, and the team defending just need to get out and relieve some pressure? That's where you need an outball. A Benteke or a Crouch, someone you can pump the ball up to, and they'll hold it up for a minute, win a foul and give the defence a break. Cam does that for me. We don't speak every day - nor even every week necessarily - but when we do, it's priceless. And then there's Erin. Therapy is something I approached with a curious mixture of excitement and trepidation when I started in June. I knew I wanted to open up & look inward but I didn't know who was going to be holding the torch for me. I spent about 4 years seeing Tina & she was really good for me. To my immense relief, Erin holds a steady torch. Our sessions have really given me forward momentum, helping me make real tangible change. And she has not been afraid to shine it in those dark corners that I really may prefer not to look. There's pain there. But where there's pain, healing follows. There's fear there too, but fear is followed by relief. 

And then there's work. Work is a funny thing. I feel like most people discuss work in negative tones whenever it's mentioned, but for me it is invaluable and I try very hard to be grateful. Familiarity breeds contempt and with that there are things that will drive you nuts. I could certainly deal with a shorter call script

Hard days work w/ the Principal Lego Kit

if there's one available! But I digress. I try and focus on the positive. I really like where I work. The people I work with are really cool & most days there's a good atmosphere in the office. The newbs this year brought in new energy and fit right in with the vibe. And the people I work for right from the top to my direct managers are super cool. If I have a problem - whether it be a sick kid, being ill, Louis passing - my superiors are totally understanding. I can remember working for Resource. I was there 2 years and off sick once. When I rang my boss he said "Well what the fuck am I supposed to do now?" which told me everything I needed to know about how much he really gave a shit about me. It's cool working somewhere you actually feel appreciated. And I appreciate those around me. So Keith, Claire, Aly, Graham, Colm, Amo, Amanda, Shan, Lisa, Rich & Clara - mucho gracias! Nowhere is perfect but I don't dread going in to work and I know a lot of people who do. I'm lucky that isn't me. 

And to put a new years bow on this whole deal. Thank you. During the summer when I did my Whole 30 & attempted to re-educate and reframe how I looked at & consumed food, I wrote blogs every day. In that time, many many people gave me encouraging comments, or 'liked' my posts or just simply read my blogs. There were a total of almost 2,000 views of my blogs in 2017. I am not always good at holding myself accountable for my actions. But knowing people cared or were interested helped me and brought me discipline. So thank you. 

2017 was a good year. I bet 2018 will be great as well. But I can't think about that right now. I'll manage Monday on Monday & see where that takes me. 

Happy new year folks. 

Kenny xxx