Day Six - Feeling my way around the dark
May 24th 2009 - Most days come and go without incident and as such aren't committed to memory. But this day, I remember like yesterday. I had not tasted alcohol since January 2007 - exactly 860 days earlier. 18 months in AA had got me clean and sober, a year with a therapist who specialised in these areas had led me to believe alcohol was, perhaps, a symptom of my malaise as opposed to a cause. I was tired of having my life defined by alcohol - for 5+ years I drank every day and for 2+ thereafter I spent my life in fear of it. I wanted to be able to take it or leave it. I didn't know if I could or not. My AA buddies were sure I couldn't. Truthfully I wasn't sure but I was filled with doubt when I poured myself my first Kopparberg the night before in Howl at the Moon. That one drink had passed without incident and I felt sufficiently confident to have more than one the following day, celebrating my 25th birthday. More than one, however, turned into six, and a drunken snog with an ex. I woke up the next morning confused. I immensely enjoyed the prior evening, but I was hungover, and hangovers had for so long been a place of shame for me. When you're drinking every single day, every single morning is harder than the previous one because you are becoming more and more aware that you have a problem. And eventually that becomes a source of disappointment in yourself. So when I felt hungover that morning, my overriding emotion was confusion. I know thousands of people who feel hungover on a Sunday morning and think nothing of it - so why should I? But, let's not kid ourselves, it's more complex than that when you come from where I came from. My Dad's drinking directly contributed to his death and my own led me to dark places. Could I drink like anyone else? I wasn't really sure then. Or for a while.
As the weeks passed, I experimented. I drank pretty much every Friday and Saturday night, like most 25 year old Irishmen would. But it wasn't the same as before. I experimented with having a beer or two on my own watching footie but nixed it soon enough. I loved drinking on my own and found it very relaxing - truthfully I bet I still would - but I felt uncomfortable with it and so I stopped. At that point it become a social pursuit, and in the course of it I would pump myself with water to remain in reasonable condition. I didn't get blackouts or lose time. I didn't drink and dial. After about 6 months I was confident that I could take or leave alcohol. As time went on, I phased it out mostly. I married a teetotaller which in itself minimised the occasions for or reasons to drink, and I would find that the occasions I'd drink would leave me with brutal hangover. 3 or 4 pints and the next day was a complete write off. Once the kids came along, I couldn't justify it. I'd lose a day lying on the couch feeling like garbage. The equation was simple. A couple of hours fun would cost me a day or two. When you've had that hard break where you don't drink at all, it's not hard to back away and dispassionately decide it's not for you. In our culture, it's so engrained and associated with every single social activity - what do you do after a wedding, a christening, and a funeral? Few drinks? If not, you're in the minority - that it's harder for most to find a moderate relationship with booze, and certainly if I had a penny for every time someone told me they went out intending to have a few quiet drinks and ended up out until 5am, I would be a wealthy, wealthy man. But that hard break gave me a very disciplined relationship with booze, and nowadays I mostly abstain, to the curiousity of most. Many times there will be a weekend stag or work do that I have to politely but assertively say no to in an attempt to prevent the "ah go on" line of conversation. It's just not for me. That's not a judgement on anyone else. It's just not my thing. To each their own.
So what does all this have to do with sugar? It's one and the same really. My relationship with what I will affectionately refer to as garbage food is the same as my relationship with booze was then, and this past week I have been feeling my way around the dark with no one to guide me, trying to work out where to land and what works for me. By now I have experimented with most food types other than bread - no pizza, no sandwiches, no bagels - but I have had occasion to try most things - wheat, sugar, legumes, dairy.
It has been an eye opening experience. Certain things have been fine. Rice was fine. Diet coke was fine - as long as it's from a fountain and not a bottle. Something in the bottled version disagrees with my stomach whereas the syrup & water you get in a McDonalds or cinema or whatever doesn't bother me at all. I have largely abstained from processed sugar unless intentional - that is to say I am very aware that a huge percentage of products you buy are loaded with fake sugar, and I've avoided these, only taking in sugar when I wanted to indulge my sweet tooth - table sauces are still largely out. I've had small quantities of mayonnaise but old favourites like southwest, pepper, garlic mayo etc are all still banned from Casa Murphy. But the real issue has been and is sweet treats - chocolate, ice cream, sweets, etc. With these things, it has been a mixed bag. On day one, we had meringue and I enjoyed it but I found it heavy and felt really sluggish thereafter. Last night was my first Saturday 'off the wagon' so to speak and I had planned in advance for that to be my 'cheat day', when I'd pop on a movie and munch some sweets & ice cream. It was a mixed bag. I enjoyed the sweets but by the time I was finished the ice cream I felt nauseous and regretful, second guessing myself in exactly the same manner I had done with alcohol 8 years earlier. Before bed, I took the remaining sweets & ice cream and binned them. This was not a reactive move so much as a proactive one - why have these things around? At this early stage, it does not feel necessary to tempt my sweet tooth that way. All that said, there have been some real positives, the biggest of which is that there have been multiple days where I stick to my whole 30, with no sweets, and I haven't found these challenging at all. In fact, most tellingly, I had bought a few bags of sweets so I could pick and choose what I'd eat on our first day post Whole 30. I ate one bag and left the others. They sat on the kitchen counter for a week. I had up moods and down moods, energy and lethargy, any number of changes in circumstance in that time, but at no point did I feel a compulsion to eat those bags of sweets. That in itself is a huge change. Before now, what was there was eaten. I didn't have the willpower not to. Now, it's not even been a case of will power stopping me - I just haven't had the desire. Even today, after bingeing last night, I looked forward to eating clean today. That has been the case all week. When I've indulged in something, it has mostly been met without guilt but without a desire to go again.
The shift in my taste buds is huge too. Some of the sweets I used to eat just plain don't taste nice now. And I can taste sugar so much stronger. For the Whole 30, MT and I ate nakd snack bars - unlike a lot of snacks bars advertised as 'healthy', these are really pure products, the ingredients of my fav being 50% dates, 28% pecan, 22% cashes. Today MT and I tried a 'health' bar by Trek - also largely consisting of pure ingredients but with a small amount of extras. I found it so exceptionally sweet. Had I tried it 6 weeks ago, I'd have found it bland. But sugar comes through really strong for me now.
All in all then, nothing is perfect and I don't feel as though I have won, or for that matter, as though I have lost just yet. The signs are good though. The excess has not reappeared and for now at least, I have choice. The life I was leading before starting this journey was often unpleasant, riddled with guilt and physical discomfort owing to my excesses. Today, I can recognise when I put my body through that and pull back accordingly. It's early days and I am not complacent, but so far, things feel much more sustainable.
As the weeks passed, I experimented. I drank pretty much every Friday and Saturday night, like most 25 year old Irishmen would. But it wasn't the same as before. I experimented with having a beer or two on my own watching footie but nixed it soon enough. I loved drinking on my own and found it very relaxing - truthfully I bet I still would - but I felt uncomfortable with it and so I stopped. At that point it become a social pursuit, and in the course of it I would pump myself with water to remain in reasonable condition. I didn't get blackouts or lose time. I didn't drink and dial. After about 6 months I was confident that I could take or leave alcohol. As time went on, I phased it out mostly. I married a teetotaller which in itself minimised the occasions for or reasons to drink, and I would find that the occasions I'd drink would leave me with brutal hangover. 3 or 4 pints and the next day was a complete write off. Once the kids came along, I couldn't justify it. I'd lose a day lying on the couch feeling like garbage. The equation was simple. A couple of hours fun would cost me a day or two. When you've had that hard break where you don't drink at all, it's not hard to back away and dispassionately decide it's not for you. In our culture, it's so engrained and associated with every single social activity - what do you do after a wedding, a christening, and a funeral? Few drinks? If not, you're in the minority - that it's harder for most to find a moderate relationship with booze, and certainly if I had a penny for every time someone told me they went out intending to have a few quiet drinks and ended up out until 5am, I would be a wealthy, wealthy man. But that hard break gave me a very disciplined relationship with booze, and nowadays I mostly abstain, to the curiousity of most. Many times there will be a weekend stag or work do that I have to politely but assertively say no to in an attempt to prevent the "ah go on" line of conversation. It's just not for me. That's not a judgement on anyone else. It's just not my thing. To each their own.
So what does all this have to do with sugar? It's one and the same really. My relationship with what I will affectionately refer to as garbage food is the same as my relationship with booze was then, and this past week I have been feeling my way around the dark with no one to guide me, trying to work out where to land and what works for me. By now I have experimented with most food types other than bread - no pizza, no sandwiches, no bagels - but I have had occasion to try most things - wheat, sugar, legumes, dairy.
It has been an eye opening experience. Certain things have been fine. Rice was fine. Diet coke was fine - as long as it's from a fountain and not a bottle. Something in the bottled version disagrees with my stomach whereas the syrup & water you get in a McDonalds or cinema or whatever doesn't bother me at all. I have largely abstained from processed sugar unless intentional - that is to say I am very aware that a huge percentage of products you buy are loaded with fake sugar, and I've avoided these, only taking in sugar when I wanted to indulge my sweet tooth - table sauces are still largely out. I've had small quantities of mayonnaise but old favourites like southwest, pepper, garlic mayo etc are all still banned from Casa Murphy. But the real issue has been and is sweet treats - chocolate, ice cream, sweets, etc. With these things, it has been a mixed bag. On day one, we had meringue and I enjoyed it but I found it heavy and felt really sluggish thereafter. Last night was my first Saturday 'off the wagon' so to speak and I had planned in advance for that to be my 'cheat day', when I'd pop on a movie and munch some sweets & ice cream. It was a mixed bag. I enjoyed the sweets but by the time I was finished the ice cream I felt nauseous and regretful, second guessing myself in exactly the same manner I had done with alcohol 8 years earlier. Before bed, I took the remaining sweets & ice cream and binned them. This was not a reactive move so much as a proactive one - why have these things around? At this early stage, it does not feel necessary to tempt my sweet tooth that way. All that said, there have been some real positives, the biggest of which is that there have been multiple days where I stick to my whole 30, with no sweets, and I haven't found these challenging at all. In fact, most tellingly, I had bought a few bags of sweets so I could pick and choose what I'd eat on our first day post Whole 30. I ate one bag and left the others. They sat on the kitchen counter for a week. I had up moods and down moods, energy and lethargy, any number of changes in circumstance in that time, but at no point did I feel a compulsion to eat those bags of sweets. That in itself is a huge change. Before now, what was there was eaten. I didn't have the willpower not to. Now, it's not even been a case of will power stopping me - I just haven't had the desire. Even today, after bingeing last night, I looked forward to eating clean today. That has been the case all week. When I've indulged in something, it has mostly been met without guilt but without a desire to go again.
The shift in my taste buds is huge too. Some of the sweets I used to eat just plain don't taste nice now. And I can taste sugar so much stronger. For the Whole 30, MT and I ate nakd snack bars - unlike a lot of snacks bars advertised as 'healthy', these are really pure products, the ingredients of my fav being 50% dates, 28% pecan, 22% cashes. Today MT and I tried a 'health' bar by Trek - also largely consisting of pure ingredients but with a small amount of extras. I found it so exceptionally sweet. Had I tried it 6 weeks ago, I'd have found it bland. But sugar comes through really strong for me now.
All in all then, nothing is perfect and I don't feel as though I have won, or for that matter, as though I have lost just yet. The signs are good though. The excess has not reappeared and for now at least, I have choice. The life I was leading before starting this journey was often unpleasant, riddled with guilt and physical discomfort owing to my excesses. Today, I can recognise when I put my body through that and pull back accordingly. It's early days and I am not complacent, but so far, things feel much more sustainable.
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