Day Five

Mood: 5/10 - I am ok again today. I am less irritable than the the past few days. I was much more tolerant with my kids today which is important to me. 

Energy: 5/10 - My energy is low. However I feel different. Where last week I'd feel tired & then get these  bursts of energy where I filled up on sugar, carbs & caffeine, I now feel one thing consistently. Even though today that one thing is tiredness, it's better than those peaks & valleys I have been experiencing.

Withdrawals? Not so much. It's entirely possible I just haven't hit the worst yet, but I remain surprised at how reasonably ok I feel.

Ate/Drank:

• Fruit for breakfast.
• Lunch - Grilled chicken, sweet potato and carrot. 
• Dinner - Turkey burgers & chips.
• Drank: 3 litres water, 3 cups of peppermint/detox tea (I don't know why I document this - it's the same every day!)

Today was the best day so far. My mood & energy were still reasonably ok. I am beginning to feel some freedom, psychologically speaking, from my various sweet/sugary treats. It sounds strange, but when you are living with two little children and trying to look after their various wants and needs, you often have your hands full and physically can't sort yourself out. So for me I always had to make a point of making myself a coffee whilst running around trying to get Carra dressed & ready for school or getting milk for Bayley to have a feed. If I were driving home and I had nothing sweet in the house and I'd stop at the shop, it meant unloading both kids, carrying Bay in & keeping an eye on Carra, all just so I can run in and grab a bag of sweets. It probably doesn't read like any major fuss but God, babies can be so temperamental. If I take Bay out of her baby seat, she is elated. When I put her back in, she's enraged. So I'm bringing that unnecessary strain on us. And Carra will usually ask if she can have something sweet. If I say no, she's in a rage, moaning and complaining. If I say yes, I'm going to make her a sugar addict one day as well. It's all so innocuous, but being free from all this is really noticeable to me. I am not cognizant of "oh I need to go here to get x on the way home" and then working out where to go and what to do. I'm more relaxed and more present. Which is nice for me and I hope nice for the girls as well.

I have been seeing a therapist for a while, her name is Erin. I am a mental health advocate and have no qualms in sharing this information, there's nothing wrong with talking to someone to help keep your thinking & decision making clear. It was in that process that I decided a full on sugar detox would be both worthwhile and achievable. I have relied on sugar for the same reason people rely on gambling, alcohol, sex, drugs, cigarettes etc. Discomfort sitting with myself, avoiding something, filling the hole. When you pull those dependencies away, you are exposed and that's a challenge for me. There is a lot that I've ran from which is stirred up and has been in the past 6 months or so. Managing in all that now is hard. I feel as though I don't express myself creatively enough and I need to work out how to do that. I don't think I am good with the balance between being a husband, a father and just being me. I have a lot of pain around my father's death & the last years of his life that lingers, no matter how many years have past or how many tears I've cried. I don't have a relationship with my mother anymore over a variety of things, from feeling disrespected & unheard, to realising & accepting that much of her behaviour throughout my childhood was, put bluntly, selfish and uncaring. With my vices pulled away, all of this is right at the surface. As an emotional and sensitive dude, that's something I am very aware of. I am working my way through this bit by bit with Erin, and we had a good session this evening which helped keep me positive but also grounded. I am only 5 days in. There are 26 to go. 

All in all though, it has been a better start than I'd hoped. Hopefully it continues that way!